"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"- Abraham Lincoln.

"It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."- Abraham Lincoln

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless."- Sinclair Lewis

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for dinner and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."- Bill Lawrence

"The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it."- D.H. Lawrence

"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured."- Konrad Adenauer

"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"- Holbrook Jackson

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."- Mae West

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." - Oliver Herford

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." - George Carlin

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" - James Thurber

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henry Youngman

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.'' - Joan Rivers

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant

"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." - Oscar Wilde

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Globol

"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." - Fred Allen

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen

"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." - Franklin P. Jones

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." - Albert Einstein

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language." - Mark Twain

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" - George Carlin

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody Allen

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! - Rodney Dangerfield

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them." - Joan Rivers

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back." - Henry Youngman

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield